today is a very bad day for me... i saw something i don't wish to see... i heard things which i don't wish to hear... but i'm still quite confused because i don't know should i be happy about the things that i don't want to hear and see.. though i'm upset, yet happy... i know it's difficult for me to run away from it.. and i think in the future i will hear more of this and see more of this.. so i think i'll just have to get used to it.. during the break came back home for lunch and went to attend guides COH.. i didn't comment much cos i'm listening and observing the future leaders.. after that came back home again and prepare to go to lecture.. walked halfway and realised that i forgot to bring my purse... went back to take and went to the bus stop... damn it.. miss my bus.. went to take mrt.. missed my train... somemore saw my g-t-i-c... late for lecture.. then when walk back home nearly fell and raining somemore..haiz.. what a day.. yesterday went out with sm & kb to town.. actually don't want to go cos lately not enthu to anything.. then went i reach home, sis not back again.. haiz.. mum was worried.. dad ap again.. this is the situation i hate to be in everytime.. it's always bcos of my sis... my dad will put pressure on my mum and on me... my mum will also put pressure on me.. but not as tough as my dad.. i'll always pretend that i don't know anything.. sometimes have to anyhow 'fu yan' my parents.. then my sis finally come back, she'll give attitude to everyone including me.. i'll always still play around and be like those joker or lamer.. even though i'm hurt inside when i get her scoldings or 'len yan len yu'... i feel hurt bcos i really love my sis.. yesterday night i finally couldn't take it and cried out.. nobody saw it of cos.. i'm quite good at hiding my emotions... it's really tiring to pretend to be happy when i'm not..to smile when i feel like crying.. but it's like in myself already.. i'm so used to it.. it's been such a long time ever since i showed my real emotions to someone else.. i'm afraid... afraid that one day i'll lose my sister.. but i got the feeling that i will.. someday... i understand...