Sunday, October 31, 2004
10/31/2004 08:21:00 PM
well... everybody will find someone who will love him or her someday... & they will live happily ever after.. i think fairy tales sometimes aren't true.. well i should say most of the times it's not true.. we are living in reality... today god gave me another test... well..i am glad i don;t have any heart attacks... i don't understand why god likes to give me so many tests.. maybe it's because of the 'lie' yesterday i've made.. & god wants to punish me for my wrongdoings... but i think it's quite a big & scary punishment.. this morning when i woke up, my mum was sent to the tan tock seng hospital because she complained that her pulse is beating too fast... i was so worried though i acted like i'm very calm.. i feel like crying but i dare not.. i don't want to let my family worry.. luckily she is ok.. doctor gave her medicine.. maybe because she work too much.. i feel so heartbroken.. everytime see her work so hard for my family.. then everytime worry for my sister.. talking about her.. i told her not to come back so late today.. don't let my mum worry.. but she still not back yet.. i feel so stress out.. luckily tomorrow i'm going out with mad & ling.. if not i think i'll commit suicide soon.. i really very long never cry already.. everytime endure endure.. smile in front of people.. sometimes just feel so fake & tired.. really hope that someone can understand me.. care for me.. worry about me.. love me.. actually i have two already.. my parents.. but i think i'm doing so to them too.. but i don't think they understand me.. especially my dad.. can even mix up my name & my sis.. well.. i think my attitude towards my dad is getting worse.. cos i think it's not him supporting the family.. it's my mum.. better not talk about him.. but no matter what, he's still my dad.. God can you please don't put me to any more tests?! i think i have enough..
gosh...... very tired day.. & a very guilty day too.. i lied to my teacher... SCREW ME MAN!!!!!! i feel so bad after telling that lie.. but it's not a big lie.. i lied because i think it's time for me to relax & get away for a moment.. & also give them a break.. some place to have their own 'freedom'... but i know it's not right to lie... Sorry teacher... next time i promise i will not escape again... just be a bad girl once... give me a break.. for once let me be not so enthu... not so devoted... hope i didn't make the wrong decision.. hope everything will be fine on that day.. well... i found out that i finally know how to project my voice.. lolx.. & i think i finally gave up.. yes i did.. my dream.. & this love has taken its toll on me... i think maybe i should really give up everything....go be a nun... lolx.. no troubles...
Friday, October 29, 2004
10/29/2004 07:54:00 PM
just came back from my appointment about the surgery... well... i can choose to do it or not... but it is best to do it... that's what my parents & doctor says... but i really don't have the intention to do it... i know the scar is ugly but..... i don't know.. my foot has already been through 2 operations.. going for a third one? i have no idea.. though my movements won't be affected that much, but it will still take another year for it to heal.. but not really 100% all the scars will disappear..... well... i really don't know how to reject my parents... maybe i should go for it... another thing is about my sister again.. well she was suppose to come back with us just now but her mood was affected by some strangers she found them irritating... therefore she went to find her friends & told us that she will come back later.. i know my mum's worried.. don't really know how to be an elder sister.. am i a useless sister? how i wish she will listen to us sometimes.. well everytime situations happen regarding my sister, i'll always deceive myself... but everytime, the more i try to deceive myself, the more i'm into it.. gosh... i think i'll never have a day not worried about her.. that's why i really don't like to go home sometimes... my parents are getting older.. i can see.. more sickness coming to them.. & also more strands of white hair.. never thought that they will grow old.. maybe it's just part of life.. i know i have to get use to it.. got to know that me always blur about life... no aims, no goals... in the past i have though not realistic... sigh... well... i think i'm a useless young adult guides too.. what my juniors ask me, all i know is to say 'i'm not sure' & 'i don't know'.. everytime must trouble sm.. i should go to hell man..
sigh... about my sis again.... made my mood change.. well so worried just now.. she didn't switch on her phone & we couldn't contact her... we nearly went out to find her.... but luckily she's back...... so relieved... always gives us such frights....... well maybe no choice... cos she's the youngest... well hope that she will learn some day..... tomorrow going to the doctor about my plastic surgery for my foot at thomsom.. well our family's luck is like going down the drain... now tan tock seng hospital is like our second home... OMG!!!!!! first it was me... last year about my accident... cannot walk for about half a year then hospitalised for 4 days.. went for 2 operations & high posibility going for another one soon.. then went back for tons of checkups... then it was my mum because of her platelets thingy.. & she will be going for an operation soon... that time she's hospitalised for like about a week or so.. going for tons of checkups too.. then it's my dad because of his blur vision.. going for tons of checkups too... now it's my sister's turn... she's going tomorrow for a checkup... because of her skin... well come somebody tell me what's wrong with my family?! gosh....... well.. i'm going for the job that i went for last year but because i was busy, i didn't go for the work.. haha.. now i'm in need of $$ & have the urge to work.. so i asked mad to go with me.. don't know ling's mum agree or not.. & hope that my surgery won't cause any walking disability.. i don't want to spoil my holidays.. well actually i'm supposed to wake up at 6am to run with my sis but in the end, we all overslept.. haha.. maybe another time... JIA YOU!!
Wa............ lolx........ first day of my diet a bit cannot stand it le...... but i will survive!!!!!!!!! i believe i can......... can I? haha... tomorrow going to wake up at 6am to jog with my sister..... i HATE running... lolx... but i must have the determination........ i wanna slim down......... so sianz...... well... i really don't understand what i'm doing lately........ don't really know why i went back to guides...... to waste time? to learn things? actually i want to help but i don't have the ability... cos there's still alot that i didn't learn.........i'm still new......... maybe i made a wrong choice to go back....... i'm not halping at all.... not contributing..... i don't have experience in anything....... another thing is i really don't know what motivated me to slim down...... what was that 'force'? is it because of the person i like? or is it because of his criticism? the person i once loved... well i don't know....... or maybe because i'm doing this all because of myself......... haha........ really don't know....... my friend just borrowed $$ from me.... well my atm card is with my mum so i have to ask from my mum first...... but my mum seems not happy........ i borrowed her because i trust her that she will return....... & she is really in need of the $$... how can i not help her? but of cos i know how she spends her $$... hope she will learn how to control her $$.... well... i'm in need of $$ also... haha... i don't want to get from my parents..... cos i know their $$ is hard to earn..... if it's not neccessary or not urgent, i won't get from them...... trying to save up now..... yup....... well there's someone always wanting me to go have a dinner or lunch with him but i think it's quite weird..... cos i don't know what to say to him if we meet up... should i accept? but of cos if i'm free or not..... sigh......
LOLX...........................I'm going on a DIET!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think people will say finally............haha.... i want to slim down.... i think i'm growing fatter ever since i go to NYP..... lolx... cos the food there is great........ cannot resist the temptation..... so friends please stop trying to tempt me............... ok?! haha.... i wanna change................. JIA YOU starliennaoj!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hee........
Just went to the law firm today.... to settle some things... about my accident last year... well... maybe i need to go to the court......sigh... don't feel like sueing... i hate this kind of thing... but i don't have a choice... my dad wants to claim money from the insurance... but indeed my parents have loss alot of money for my accident... so guilty... my lawyer ask me to go for another surgery to remove my scars.... but i don't know should i go or not... well i think my scars' disgusting... & very big & ugly... but i don't wanna be on clutches(forget the spelling) again... especially now holidays... alot of programs... camps... guides... gatherings... bla bla... if don't need to be on clutches then i'll go for it... ah........... sianz....... i now having love sick............ lolx......... haha......... miss everyone man......... especially somebody......... haha...
Monday, October 25, 2004
10/25/2004 01:38:00 PM
AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so boring man.... really miss all my friends.... now holidays le... nobody ask me out cos all having exams or school... sianz... got to know that " " is not happy lately... hope that he will be better... wanna ask him but i don't think he will want to share with me... really hope can share his problems... hope that my birthday wish will come true... though i almost every year make the same wish... haha... "Hope that everyone will be happy & all of them will find their happiness" lolx... really hope that those taking chinese As on the 5th will all pass with flying colors.. JIA YOU!!!!!! & also hope that all my classmates can promote to the second year smoothly... all don't need to take sub... hope my sis will learn to be a better person... hope all my elders will stay healthy... hope that i will have a birthday party in the future with all my friends present... hope i can sing on stage one day with people appreciating my singing... hope that i will find true love some day... hope that there's world peace... hope that people in the third world will lead a better live... hope that there will be no wars, no fightings... hope that i can take pics with everyone i know... really sad that i didn't get to take pic with 'him'... hope i have a chance... haha... ^_^
Well think that i really fell for that guy... too bad i didn't get a chance to take photo with him on my birthday.. but i really hope my wish will come true... well... i think that 'M' is really over this time round.. hope that i will not try to escape from my feelings again... but sometimes i think that he finds me weird & annoying.. hope that i'm wrong...
10/23/2004 09:13:00 PM
phew.... back from the 3 days 2 nights chalet at Pasir Ris Costal Sands... it was AWESOME!!!!!!! I had a very fun time there gathering with my classmates there & it is also another memorable birthday of mine... the first day of the chalet which is also coincidentally my bday, starts of when we meet at the pasir ris mrt station... well before we meet, only one of my classmates msg me wishing me happy bday.. so i tot that no one else remember... then when walking to the chalet, some of my other friends also came & wish me a happy bday... when we reach the chalet... da ge told everyone that it's my bday & they sang a bday song for me... & my wish really came true... i mean to have a bday song for my bday... then i tot that was all.. we went on playing & having free time... & i really feel that it was an extremely boring bday ever... cos usually for the past 5 years my friends will celebrate for me.. or i will go & do something i love to do on that day... then we played the secret friend game & the secret friend i need to 'protect' was my 'yang gui fei'.. haha... so qiao.. then we had dinner...then we all watched tv together... taking photos... bla bla... then i dun quote remember what happen next.. i was standing out of the chalet with some other classmates then suddenly da ge & the rest locked us outside.. then dun let me in.. at first i thought that they preparing games... cos earlier they also like that locked themselves in the room... then we waited outside.. suddenly they opened the door & brought a cake out & starting singing a bday song for me & angel.. i was really surprise & touched... i didn't expect this & i was in the chalet all along & i really didn't see the cake.. then they told me that when the guys went to buy dinner for us, 3 guys qiang di, kenny & jackson went to buy the cake.. then they call me out when they came back saying that kenny was injured.. cos i'm a guide & i know medic.. then i realise that it was actually tomato sauce.. it was then they put the cake inside the frigde from the back door.. ok back to the celebration.. when i see they brought the cream out, i know that me & angel is going to get it.. therefore i quickly grab angel & ran... lolx.. but in the end, both of us also cannot escape from their 'hands'...lolx... but it was fun... then we took photos.. class photo.. ate the cake.. we got wishings from our classmates & they gave each of us a photo frame & something meaningful.. then i suggested to angel that we sing a 'thank you' song for them as a form of appreciation for what they did... it goes like this... 'we say thank you, we say thank you, we say thank you, we say thank you, we say thank you, we say thank you, we say thank you to everyone. Gam Sia!'... then the guys left with mad to see something.. leaving behind the girls & 2 guys.. we waited for them to come back.. we played cards & even went around walking trying to find something to do.. then when they come back, we started the secret friend game.. well, 'yang gui fei' guessed correctly that i'm her secret friend.. for me, i guessed that it was 'da ge' but actually it was my 'xi shi'.. lolx.. therefore i had double punishments... i had to dance pole dance with a guy with also double punishment. lolx... then there goes our first day... i didn't really sleep the first night... early in the morning, together with a few other friends, we cycled to the beach hoping to see sunrise.. but it was too cloudy.. then me & my bbq committee went to white sands to buy the bbq stuffs.. feeling extremely sleepy, after we came back, we all went to sleep... lolx... well we didn't really care much if it was guys sleeping beside us as our class guys are really gentlements.. haha.. at least that's what i think.. then when we wake up, it was time for bbq... our PEM came.. then we played the passing the parcel game.. as usual, the unlucky me was one of the victims in the game.. lolx... my forfeet is to dance AGAIN with a guy.. a sporting friend,kenny brother, helped me out.. haha.. thanks man.. then actually i had a few more unlucky times but i told them it wouldn't be fun seeing me again & again..therefore i escaped the punishments..haha... then late at night we went bowling.. then all of us were extremely tired so after we bathe, all of us slept.. then there goes my second day.. in the morning, we packed up & checked out at around 10 plus.. then i went to meet lp & char at yishun to have lunch together... another surprise from them.. we went to town & actually they are going to treat me to cafe cartel as a form of celebration for my bday... then sm, cy, sj came.. after eating we went to take neo.. haha..then kel came.. bla bla... whao.. haha.. wonderful bday... ^_^
Thursday, October 14, 2004
10/14/2004 09:12:00 PM
hai..... so upset after ling told me about her stuffs... i keep on thinking if it is my fault... i don't mind giving the marks to her as long i pass... what's so big deal of having high grades... as long as i knew that i did my best & did my part... & i feel so 'yuan wang' when she said that it must be me back stabbing her during the peer evaluation... but i didn't though i really couldn't remember what i graded her... but it's definitely not poor... i think it's either average or good(if there's this option)... i graded accordingly... i felt that 'yang gui fei' did much more in that group therefore i gave her the highest grade which is "excellent" or "very good"... i think that her attitude was there... her commitment to this project was there.. she did her part & even offered extra help.. so to be fair, i gave her the best grade... but i'm really upset when 'she' accused me of being unfair & also that affects our friendship... just because of grades?! i think if today she was in my shoes, i think she will react differently... 60 plus is not good... to me it's good enough... i'm contented... but i know that she need this marks to cover her theory grades.. sigh... i don't know what should i do to save our friendship... give her my grades? help to beg for marks from the teacher? just finish my "favourite"(opp) subject today.........lolx... 3 more to go.... can't wait to finish them all & go for my holidays... haha... so tired as i'm packed with tons of things..... & study study & study... projects... & i miss my friends sooooooooooooo much!!!!!!!! hope i can see them soon... the title of this blog, is a song by Lin Jun Jie... i think it's great... the lyrics... the tune... so sweet... haha... start to like him more & more... oh well about my little crush to my '**** *i'... haha... dunno if i'm just trying to forget the person from 'M'... just like i try to forget "him" the other time round & try to turn my feelings to 'M'.... well... really hate to have "dan lian".... & my little sis trying to go astray again... sigh.... when can problems not arise? Well to all Libraians HAPPY BIRTHDAY(esp. Xiao Ke, Yans*, Filzah)!!!!!!!^_^
